Letting Go of Perfection

Much like my life-long obsession with being a “good girl,” I’ve also had an obsession with being perfect.

Growing up, I learned that anything worth doing was not just worth doing well, but winning.

If I got a 98 on my report card, my dad would ask “why not 99 or 100?”

And so I pushed myself.  I made straight A’s.  I made 5′s on all of my AP exams.  I aced the SAT.  I won full scholarships to several colleges.  I even gave up show choir to ensure I graduated co-valedictorian.

I was the same way with piano, which I loved, so it was my choice to push myself to perfection.  Most kids hate to practice.  I practiced hours a day and loved every minute of it.  I went to Governor’s School for the Arts.  I placed in state competitions.  I went to college on a piano scholarship.

And then it suddenly got hard.  My hand position wasn’t right.  My hands were too small.  My technique was all wrong.

And because I couldn’t be perfect, I quit.  Something I loved.  That gave me joy and comfort, that spoke to my soul, that was part of my identity.  I didn’t touch a piano for a year.  I still regret it.

That fear of failure, of not living up to expectations is what also caused me to stop even thinking about psychology as a possible major after I made a B+ in my first class.  What keeps me from picking up golf clubs again.  What scares me about trying a triathlon.  What kept me in my first marriage for so long.  What paralyzes me from doing some of the most routine things of life and often, causes me to hurt those I love the most (because I try to “protect” them from the truth or spare them the “non-perfect” me) and keeps me from really living.

Because the reality is that perfection is an illusion.  We all fail.  We all make mistakes.  And we certainly can’t be perfect or the best at everything we do.  Nor should we want to.  It’s a recipe for failure, self-flagellation and well, all around misery.  I know.  I’ve been living it for nearly 35 years.

But I’m slowly learning to let go…

Posted 16 November 2010 | By Laura Scholz in Uncategorized, life, perfectionism - View Comments
  • http://twitter.com/jessicamalnik Jessica Malnik

    Great post, Laura! I can definitely relate to this. Growing up, I was a total perfectionist. I always wanted to be the best at everything I did. Looking back, this stopped me from trying some new things. I also quit my favorite hobby when I realized I couldn’t be perfect. My biggest regret was quitting basketball, when I did. People told me I’d never be a great player since I was too short and wasn’t strong enough. I let that get in my head, and that fear of failure made me quit the sport that I loved playing. I of course moved on, but I really wished I would have stuck it out for a couple of more years before I quit.

    I realized I’m far from perfect. While I will always try to do my best at everything I do, I need to be able to relax and have fun more. Otherwise, I will just end up burning out completely. I absolutely love this part of your post. “Because the reality is that perfection is an illusion. We all fail. We all make mistakes. And we certainly can’t be perfect or the best at everything we do. Nor should we want to.

    Keep up the great work! I’m so glad I discovered your blog and website thru Twitter!

  • http://laurascholz.com Laura Scholz

    Thanks so much for commenting. Isn’t it sad when people focus on the negative and take the love of something away from you? So glad we met via Twitter!

  • http://twitter.com/jessicamalnik Jessica Malnik

    I agree. When you are growing up, it’s amazing how much criticism can affect you. Particularly, when it comes from coaches and friends. That being said, it’s still a life lesson. It’s made me a lot stronger and more willing to stick up for myself and fight for what I want as a grownup.

    Also, I’m definitely glad I started chatting with you on Twitter too.

  • Debbie

    Great post. The question I struggle with when deciding to let go of perfection is facing those who still expect it from me. The visible dissapointment is enough to “perfect” right back up.

  • Debbie

    Great post. The question I struggle with when deciding to let go of perfection is facing those who still expect it from me. The visible dissapointment is enough to “perfect” right back up.

  • http://twitter.com/PamelotH PamelaFaganHutchins

    Thanks for finding me on Twitter! I just loved this blog and I can really, really, really relate!

  • http://twitter.com/PamelotH PamelaFaganHutchins

    Thanks for finding me on Twitter! I just loved this blog and I can really, really, really relate!

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